"Accidental Racist" is accidentally racist

And honestly, I'm not that surprised.

I get the point that Brad Paisley is trying to make. The Confederate battle flag is a part of Southern culture. For better or worse, it just is. But does wearing it make him a racist? He's offended that people might think that. He's just a good ol' boy, tryin' to do no harm. And so he wrote a song about it.

I am not a scholar in critical race theory, but I have found the following things present in the song that do not help his argument that really, wearing the Confederate flag isn't racist:

• Defensiveness ("And it ain't like you and me can rewrite history," "walkin' on eggshells")
• White guilt ("Caught between southern pride and southern blame")
• I have a black friend, and he approves, so it's okay ("If you don't judge my gold chains, I'll forget the iron chains")
• Reductionism and lack of context ("They called it Reconstruction, fixed the buildings, dried some tears" -- Reconstruction was about way more than fixing buildings and drying tears, and there's nary a mention of Jim Crow, which set race relations in the South back even further than before the Civil War, besides that slavery thing)

And when I see the above things, I realize it's the same tired old argument, the same tired old white guilt that people feel proud of, defensive about, frustrated by, or all three at the same time.

I also know the importance narratives play when trying to decide if something is racist (not if someone is racist; the two are different things.) And while I understand that the Confederate battle flag is a part of Southern heritage, I also understand that there are people who are offended by or who feel nervous when they see it. It's even mentioned in the song ("I see that red flag and I think you wish I wasn't here"). Both narratives are important. But even while trying to do research for this post, I found a lot more hits for the "the Confederate flag is part of our Southern culture" narrative than for the "this makes me uncomfortable" narrative. I have a hard time believing that this symbol doesn't have deep negative meaning, at least for some. But why don't I hear their opinions? Why is that narrative reduced to one line in the song?

I hear a lot of white voices --including mine-- surrounding this issue; those who support the flag and those who do not. But where are the voices of people of color? Why can't I find them with simple Google searches? It seems Gayatri Chakravorty Spivak's question of whether the subaltern have a voice is still extremely relevant today. I cannot make an informed decision until I hear the narratives of those who are supposedly affected by the negativity inherent in the symbol.

But until then, Brad Paisley is not telling me anything I don't already know about the fact that white guilt exists and that it does absolutely nothing to confront the issue of racism. It just states his position and despite the inclusion of his "black friend" LL Cool J, does not seem to invite dialogue on the issue, but instead exhorts people to leave the past in the past and try to see this symbol so often construed as negative with the positive connotation he puts on it as a white Southerner instead.

Top 5 tips for staying safe in online relationships

The internet has made this a very small world, indeed. Thanks to social media, we can make friends, business connections, and even find love with someone on the opposite side of the world.

But even as the benefits are amplified, so are the risks. It is easy to find someone you are compatible with, but at the same time, easy for someone with ill intent to find you.

The online dating game is complicated enough as it is without these shady characters, who more often than not fall into one of the following two categories:

Catfish - Those who create fake online profiles to lure unsuspecting people into a fake relationship for no apparent personal gain. Sometimes they are cyberbullies, people known to the victim playing a cruel trick, and at other times they're just trolls, people with nothing better to do than string along an innocent person for what they believe to be the fun of it. Sometimes they do it just to be able to tell their friends about their "internet girlfriend/boyfriend" or for sexual gratification. The name comes from the 2010 film Catfish, which was a documentary of one such fake online relationship.

Scammers  - These people will enter into online relationships, under real or fake profiles, with personal gain at the basis instead of love. They will often prey on certain subgroups or subcultures who may be more vulnerable to their advances. The gains they hope to get could be anything from gifts to money to plane tickets to visas, with some scammers going so far as to marry their victims for residency in a foreign country then leaving them once that residency is secure, or to end up getting them involved in drug trafficking schemes.

Much has been said about safe online dating, and I encourage you to read the linked posts at the bottom of this entry for more information on the topic, but here are my top five tips for avoiding catfish and scammers:

1. Know Thyself. Step away from the computer for a moment and go look in the mirror. Think about where you are in your life right now. Have you just exited a relationship? Had a string of relationships go bad? How's your self-esteem? Those horrible messages society tells you about what a woman/man "should be" - are you letting them affect you? Is that go get 'em attitude really from the heart, or is it bravado? Be honest with yourself; no one is listening but you. 

This is not to say that if you are in a delicate position, that you should not be looking for love; just that if you are not in a good place emotionally, you may be much more vulnerable to scammers and catfish, and you need to be sure to protect yourself even more than usual during this time. Be choosy; you deserve something good in your life. Don't just fall for the first guy who tells you you're beautiful or the first woman who shows an interest because they like you. 

Sometimes it does mean to step away from the dating scene for a while and get back in touch with yourself and your own wants and needs. If this is the case, don't resist it. If you need therapy to work through some tough times in your past, go get the help you need. But if you are ready to move on and put yourself out there, tread lightly and carefully at first. 

2. Heart Must Listen To Head. One of the most important things you can do to protect yourself is to make sure that what you are hearing from your online love interest is consistent. Sometimes it's easy to make excuses for people when their stories don't add up. Sometimes they are quick to make those excuses themselves. But if something doesn't make sense, find out why. Don't just ignore it. If he uses multiple names, or if she tells you she lives in one city but all her Instagram pictures are geotagged to another location, that could be a red flag. If he's asked you to go on the webcam but says he doesn't have one, or if she won't send a picture of herself when she's asked for yours, that's an asymmetrical relationship and there is definitely something wrong there. 

If you get a gut feeling that something doesn't add up, it's quite likely that it doesn't. Also be aware of inconsistencies between what someone says and what they do. He's very religious, but he tells you that you don't have to convert to his faith when you marry even as he posts videos of people who converted from your faith to his on his Facebook wall? She says she doesn't care if you don't have a six-pack but retweets photos of scantily clad gym rats? He says you look sexy in that halter top but agrees with posts where his friends say "women should dress decently"? Inconsistency between someone's words and their actions is a major red flag.

3. Culture Is Not An Excuse. Yes, cultural differences exist. No, they are not an excuse for you to be disrespected. If you are in a real relationship, you will discuss the things that make you feel slighted and if the other person cares, they will do what they can to make sure that those things do not happen. If you feel disrespected when someone does not come online at a predetermined time, and she doesn't even try to come online at that time, that's not fair to you. (It goes both ways; if you make disparaging remarks about their family due to their hesitation to accept your relationship and that hurts his feelings, stop doing it.)

This applies to gender relations too. Do not allow anyone to treat you as a second-class citizen or subject you to behaviors that are physically or emotionally abusive because of preconceived notions about "the way it is done in his culture." All over the globe, women are fighting battles within their own cultural contexts for rights and respect. Do not rationalize away behavior that at first glance seems not okay to you as something you have to "compromise on" because "that is just the way it is over there." Chauvinism and abuse are traits and behaviors of the individual; you cannot paint an entire culture with a broad brush in this matter. 

That said, if you are in an intercultural online relationship, you need to learn more about the culture of the person you're in a relationship with, and they should learn about your culture as well. There are issues that intercultural couples will face, but you need to work through those together, with mutual love and respect. If they want you to know everything about their culture - or you go down that path willingly - but they show no desire or put forth no effort to learn about yours, again, you're in an asymmetrical relationship, which may be the sign of a catfish or a scammer. Learning some of their language is also a good idea. I have witnessed a situation where an ostensibly peace-loving person was matched up with someone who subscribed to hate groups publicly online - but she didn't know that, because she couldn't understand what the groups' names meant. (And if you are in an online relationship and you have not stalked their Facebook profile, ask yourself why you haven't done that, and then go do it right away.)

4. You Can't Hurry Love. Relationships take time to build. You cannot fall in love at first text. Be cautious at first and open up much later, after trust has been built. Anyone who truly loves you should respect your boundaries (and if you love yourself, you'll have boundaries; if you have questions, please refer to #1 in this list). Similarly, anyone who says to you "I saw your profile picture and I fell in love" is not using correct terminology. They may have fallen in lust, or they may have gotten interested and wanted to get to know you better, but love's not there yet. 

Don't rush into something because you're afraid this could be your very last chance (likely, it's not) or because no one's ever shown you that kind of attention (attention and love are not the same thing) or because no one that beautiful will ever write to you again (if it seems too good to be true, it often is.) And if they are telling you any of those things, block them and run for the hills. 

There are people out there who believe in "soul mates" or "twin flames" and will drop anything and everything the moment that they think they have found that other, missing half. This doesn't make sense. If it is really true that this person is your soul mate, then why not wait? If they really are your soul mate, they'll understand that you want to take things slowly. If you're talking about someone you're linked to for eternity, six months or a year of getting to know each other isn't even a drop of water in that great ocean of time. You don't have to rush anything. 

Others do not believe in soul mates, but instead believe that there are people we are compatible with, but none of us is a half person waiting for our other half. They believe that relationships are two whole people who, together, are greater than the sum of their parts. In this case as well, growing trust over time is important and necessary. You don't want to make any major decisions based on a superficial understanding of your compatibility and only after knowing them realize that you just didn't know them well enough.

5. Would You Tolerate This In Person? They always say they'll come online but they never do. They promise to meet up when you visit their city, but when you go, they give excuses. The only thing they can talk about is how sexy you are. They don't ever want to talk about politics or basketball or social justice or the Kardashians or whatever it is that floats your boat. They don't like it when you ask them personal questions. They ask you for money just after you meet them. They ask you to do things on webcam you're not okay with. Your relationship seems never to progress beyond a superficial level.

Are these things you would tolerate in an in-person, bricks-and-mortar, meatspace relationship? 

Online relationships are often more difficult than in-person ones because you lose so much communicative ability. Pictures can be Photoshopped. You can't respond to someone's facial expression or body language using Facebook chat. Even on the phone, where at least you have tone of voice, you can't divine the environment, and even video chat only gives you one angle - and some say they may have been involved in fraudulent video chats as well! There is so much you cannot be sure of, so anything you could not tolerate in an in-person relationship must not be given a pass in an online one. 

Of course, this is just scratching the surface. Staying safe online takes common sense, a healthy dose of self-respect and respect for others, and being aware of the ways in which you are vulnerable and you can get taken advantage of, so that you don't. Here are some other useful links on the subject:

Romance Scams: They Might Be A Scammer If...

Red and Yellow Flags of Intercultural Relationships 

Red Flags for Abusive Relationships

Looks Too Good To Be True - a site about fraud in general

{Thanks to Maria S. and American Punjaban PI for their valuable advice in the creation of this entry.}

Speech is near the heart

I know this blog is not even about my personal life and I try hard to sound academic when I write. I am not intending to do that today. It's not appropriate to my topic.

Where do I start? Fourth grade, where Richard told me on the playground that despite being born and raised in these United States, I "talked like an Englishman" and so I got angry at him and told him he farted too much?

Or when I moved later that year and Niki and the other mean girls would tease me by telling me to say "New York" and surrounded me with cruel laughter since I couldn't pronounce the letter R when it followed a vowel?

Or the one day I went to the school speech therapist, then folded the practice paper up as tiny as I could and hid it so my parents wouldn't find it and realized I'd had to go to special ed? I had taught myself to read when I was two. People considered me smart. Mom and Dad would get angry at me for not being smart anymore, or so my eleven-year-old mind thought. I was ashamed of myself, of my nonexistent R.

On that paper was the trick I'd searched dictionaries to learn but never found. You touch the tip of your tongue to your hard palate. Once I realized it, the problem disappeared. It's easy to fix this stuff when you're motivated. And eleven.

It's a lot harder later on, even if you're motivated.

My job in India was creating training materials for accent neutralization. I went back to the source, to these simple mechanical tricks that I had myself used to sound "more American" as a child. Tongue goes here. Lips do this. Smile a bit more. No, not that much. When testing these new techniques, I could see the same frustration in the eyes of my trainees that was in my own back in the day. Some nailed it. Others struggled. I realized that now we needed a lot more than mechanics. My training had to be coupled with massive amounts of encouragement and positive reinforcement, as it's hard to be told "you need to speak like this to be understood better." It's hard to hear. Because the way we speak is who we are.

I grew up in an environment where certain patterns of speech were considered "uneducated" and it was not okay to talk like that, and despite Texas, grew up sounding more like NPR than country music. I had a Canadian neighbor I idolized as a child and hearing my voice today, I know some Vancouver crept its way into my voice. Upon returning from India, I was asked on multiple occasions "where I came from" because of my "beautiful accent." I have even been accused of "code-switching" into an Indian accent around second-generation Indians even when I was using what was my regular everyday I'm-not-thinking-about-how-I'm-talking voice. Who knows -- maybe because I am so isolated here and the main person I talk to is my husband, I'm beginning to pick up his speech patterns? I think I pick things up fairly quickly and unconsciously --unless I am told not to-- but my accent has never been Canadian, or Indian, or even pure GenAm. I don't know what it is, but I've made peace with it in the years between self-conscious preteen and now.

Well, at least I think I have, but I am certain that it is one of the things that is holding me back from expressing myself fluently in Bengali. I remember the giggles of my classmates, my own horror at hearing older girls in my French classes in college speak French with American accents, and of course the hesitation and terror of a former "gifted kid" - I can't mess this up. I can't get this wrong or else it proves I'm really not that smart. So my mind stops; I freeze, and I say nothing.

I know a lot about Bengali. I can read and write with little problem. I'm still expanding my vocabulary and trying to solidify grammar, but I'd say I'm at an advanced beginner or beginning-intermediate level. I can wax poetic about the order of the alphabet and how it all makes sense and conjugate verbs and put together simple, grammatically correct sentences if I have the time to write them out. But when it comes to practical usage, I slip back down into the novice level. I tell people I talk like a toddler but I know toddlers who speak better than me.

It feels like math class; I know the equations. I can plug numbers in and get the right answers. But I'm not entirely sure of how those equations are derived, if that matters at all, and you certainly don't want to get in a rocket that I built using those equations.

So I am trying to break through this impasse. I am doing this by trying to speak daily, then recording myself and actually listening to what I recorded. I'm not up to extemporaneous speaking yet, but at least reading from a book and getting the sounds in my ears and mouth seems to be helping. And since I either have no more shame or just a lot of bravado (not sure which), I will share a couple of recordings with you.

This is the last recording from the first book of Sahaj Path, Lesson 1, after a week of recording and listening back.

This is the first recording from Lesson 2. 

You can tell the difference a week of practice makes. (I got frustrated and deleted the first recording of Lesson 1, which is why I didn't post it.) In Lesson 2, I read the story ahead of time so I could understand its meaning, but I didn't with the poem. This recording is the first time I have encountered the poem, and I'm reading the Bengali script.

This is my life, my study, my fears. You should do one thing every day that scares you, they say. So I speak. Maybe one day that won't be scary and I'll have to do something else.

Teach our children well

I think we all have seen this image floating around on Facebook:

I agree with this. It is excellent advice for today's world. I also think we can switch the gender nouns and pronouns on many of them and apply it to our sons. Not all, since we do not live in a world where the genders are completely equal in terms of power. I might, however, put it like this:

We need to teach our sons to distinguish between:
A woman who flatters him and a woman who compliments him,
A woman who expects him to spend money and a woman who expects him to spend time,
A woman who wishes to be property and a woman who wishes to be equal,
A woman who lusts after him and a woman who loves him,
A woman who believes she's a gift to men and a woman who believes he's a gift to her,
And to teach our daughters to be that kind of woman.

Only the second and third reflect our unequal power structures that remain in society today - commonly known as the patriarchy. And patriarchy is not the small-minded idea of a World of Evil Men; it is simply a society that values men over women, and both men and women take part in reinforcing it. (Note that patriarchy hurts men as well as women, commodifying them and confining them to narrow definitions and forcing them into 'traditionally masculine' roles instead of allowing them choices.)

Avicenna recently blogged about this next image that has been making the rounds (click to enlarge):

As you can see, it is a response to the first image that comes out of hurt and mistrust - common themes of the Men's Rights Activist (MRA) movement. They operate on the assumption that there is a war between the sexes and it is a zero-sum game, and that feminists are their enemies, not their allies. 

Here is my response to this response (edited slightly from what I wrote in Avicenna's comment section):

I am really actually quite okay with all the “and a woman who…” statements except for the first one, which could be worded in a less snarky manner.

Teaching our daughters to be good communicators? Teaching them responsibility? Empathy? Loving someone for their character? I’m down for that. We should teach our sons the same things.

I have a huge problem with the first part of every single one of those statements though, because each one is a consequence of patriarchy, the same system that MRAs say does not exist outside of Women's Studies 101 classrooms.

Why do some women expect men will pay for them? Because in the past, it was their responsibility to, since women were financially dependent on men. Feminism has made it possible for women to earn their own money and go dutch on dates. Yet MRAs hate feminism.

Why do women hint, to the point of deception sometimes? Because in the past, they would be disregarded if they stated their wants, needs and opinions at best, and beaten at worst. Feminism has made it acceptable for women to have opinions without fear of retribution. Yet MRAs hate feminism.

Why do women regret sex? Because a woman who enjoys sex or a one-night stand is seen badly in the eyes of society. Why do some of them “claim date rape”? Because either 1) they were date raped, or 2) it is better in society’s eyes for them to be a victim than a slut. Feminism is WORKING on this one; we are trying to convince society that women are more valuable than their hymens. Yet MRAs hate feminism.

Why would a woman expect a man to “man up” ? Because she, too, has internalized the gender roles that show a ‘man’ to be very certain and specific things in today’s society. (I am unsure how this has to do with agreeing with her all the time, unless of course, this is an unspoken fear that women will do to men what men have done to women for centuries.) Feminism is dead set on questioning these gender roles that say men must do or be certain things to fit a standard of masculinity, and women must do or be certain things to fit a standard of femininity. Yet MRAs hate feminism.

Why would a woman love a man for what he can give her? Because she has internalized the patriarchal myth that she is nothing without a man, and that her value is based on the things he provides for her. Feminism encourages women to find worth in their own selves and provide for themselves, that they may meet men as equals and not as dispensers of financial security. Yet MRAs hate feminism.

Feminists and men's rights activists should be each other's best friends, working in solidarity for a better world where people see each other as humans, and where all people can make choices that best suit them and be free from fear and abuse. Unfortunately, the few times I have made this suggestion to MRAs, I just hear the same old talk about how feminism is the problem, and I have stopped trying. 

Men are not the problem.  The system is the problem.

This is not a zero-sum game. 

If a woman gains a right, it does not mean that a man is having one taken away.

Let us teach our children how to live in a respectful, just, and equal society.

Translation: Eka by Lakkhichhara

I have written about this song before (in yet-to-be-published-if-ever vignettes), but now I am translating it to share with you. The guitar tells you everything you need to know though; the translation is simply a bonus.

Thanks to Rakesh S. Tova E., and Supriyo S. for insights :)

Lyrics and Translation:

একা - লক্ষিছা

Eka - Lakkhichhara

Alone

Eka eka hoyto gopone

Chupishare boroi anmone

Shunyo haate bhari ondhokar

Alone; perhaps in secret

Noiselessly; indeed unconsciously

With empty hands full of darkness

Charidhare jhapsa mukh koto

Chena kichu ochena hoyto

Eki kotha bole barongbar

So many blurred faces surrounding

Some recognizable, perhaps some unknown

Repeating only one thing, over and over

Bujhina je tar maane

Raat jaane, 'raat jaane'

Kothay, kobe, konkhane? 

I don't know what it means

The night knows

Where, at what time, in what place?

Keno mishe jachche bortoman 

Neme ase somoyer shopan

Shob kichu lagche bemanan

Why is Now becoming dark

As it descends the steps of time

Nothing seems as if it fits

Deke othe raat-jaaga pakhi

Kome ase jiboner goti

E du'haate mukh dheke rakhi.....

The nocturnal bird calls out

As life's pace winds down

I cover my face with these two hands

Amar e dike cheye

E akashe utheche chand

Bonnay aalor bhengechhe baand

In this sky the rising moon shines upon me

And the flood of light breaks through

Chole jae majh raati re

Shanto nodir tire

Hajaro bochor aager 

Sriti ase phire

Midnight retreats to the bank of the peaceful river

Memories of the distant past return

It's as crazy as it's ever been, love's a stranger all around

I haven't posted in a long while, and that's because there has been so much to write about.

So much I don't feel qualified to write about.

Twenty-six people died at Sandy Hook Elementary School, twenty of them children, on December 14 of last year, bringing the total to 88 fewer people in this world because of some madman with a gun. The typical knee-jerk reactions of 'ban guns' and 'lock up the crazies' reverberated around the internets for some time, but then the NFL playoffs started and celebrities did stupid things and no one cared anymore. Simplistic and myopic solutions aren't anything you can rally around. I sit here wondering how I can advocate for better preventive mental health care in my community, but no one wants to talk about that.

A girl was brutally raped in New Delhi, and died days later in a Singapore hospital from her injuries. This news hit home pretty hard for me, as I frequented the same theater she had gone to, had difficulty getting rides back to the general area of town she lived in, and the place she and her friend were deposited after their torturous experience was on the road I traveled daily to go back and forth from work. My mind's eye cannot stop picturing that scene - two naked, bleeding bodies lying in the cold foggy night, perhaps in front of  the dentist's office, or the tire shop, shutters down. People all around saw and minded their own business. Civic sense did not exist. But it was still the straw that broke the camel's back; now people have started talking about rape in terms of power, in terms of drawing shame upon the rapist and not the victim; calls for changing the system from the ground up are being made -- but are they heeded? Outside the Internet, has anything really changed? Rapes are still happening. I suppose it is the trend we should be looking at. In five years, will women stop telling each other not to go out on the streets? Will the term 'pervert' have replaced 'eve-teaser' ? All we can do is just make tiny steps in the direction of justice.

It takes much more than talk, more than pontificating on the Internet, to change things. But talking - and listening - are still so very important. The words we use are important. Loner, loser, reject, crazy; slut, whore, dented and painted women - why do we say these things about others? Why do we say things and act in ways that push people to the margins? Are we simply trying to make ourselves look good in comparison, glad we are not 'one of those people' -- deep down, we know that there but for the grace of God we go. Marginalizing others leads to the disconnect, the lack of community that breeds a madman. Demonizing women for being women, upholding the virgin/whore dichotomy which relegates women to the status of baby factories and sex toys, leads to a culture where rape is normalized as a way for men to discredit other men and remind women of their place. Neither one is just.

The battle has raged for years in epistemological circles - does language influence culture, or is it simply the other way around? I do think that the influence does go both ways, and that as we change our language, we can start to move toward less inflammatory and more logical ways of dealing with others and moving toward a better joint future. This is not saying we should be ultra politically-correct all the time; just that the words and labels we use for others should give them respect instead of take it away.

It's not much in the face of these huge problems facing our societies today, but it is one place to start.

No explanation is necessary; here is mine

I woke up to a barrage of concerned emails today after I'd made the decision to shut my Facebook fan page and YouTube page down. Some of my friends were worried about me; others thought it was their fault.

The fact is, there's nothing to worry about. I just made a decision I'd been thinking about for months, even years now.  

I have sung Hindi songs for over eight years. I've performed all over the US, and some in India. I even got audiences with three music directors, but I never pursued those avenues further. I have sung for crowds as large as 10,000. I ended up being able to move to India because of it. I'm very appreciative of all those things.

But I have come to a realization over the past few years, and that is that I can never really succeed at it. And by "succeed," I mean "meet the standards I have set for myself."

My first show was October 30, 2004. That night, I had said to myself I did not want to be known as "that white girl who sings Hindi songs." I wanted to be known as someone who sang Hindi songs well. The first is easy to achieve. The second is much more difficult. I don't want to be a parrot who sings unknown words without understanding their meaning, good at imitating but no originality. It's been done. I don't want to be a pretty face, a gori who sings Hindi songs, Carefree White Girl jaunting off to India for "adventure" and singing for the novelty factor. It's also been done. 

I have, over many years, come to the understanding that I did not grow up with these sounds in my ears, do not have extensive Indian classical training or exposure, and so the beautiful songs of yesteryear are inaccessible to me; I cannot do them justice. I can only give a mere shadow of their subtle beauty.

And to tell the truth, the more Hindi I know, the less I like the modern songs. Turns of phrase that seemed romantic at one time (tere saath jiyoon, tere saath maroon) are so incredibly cliche, and some songs are just so stupid and immature (Mere jaise laakhon mile honge tujhko piya, mujhe to mila tu hi - seriously?). Not to mention Hinglish lyrics like "Zara zara touch me touch me touch me" which have absolutely no literary merit and don't do anything for the gori stereotype I constantly have to challenge. 

I've become quite disillusioned, to say the least. By the songs themselves, by the vocal brick walls I run into, by the fact that people are so okay with my doing this just because I'm white that I don't get any sort of constructive feedback but lots of empty praise, by the fact I have sung for eight years and I still cannot solve the vocal issues I started out with. 

I had been feeling this way for a long time, but finally realized I needed to make an actual decision about what to do with these feelings when a friend Liked one of my old videos on Facebook, which made it pop up in others' feeds, and suddenly I had 39 Likes and 38 comments in the span of a few hours. My reaction was not to be happy at all, but to cry all evening and wish it would just go away. I didn't want to be associated with that three-year-old video. It was Andrea -- nay, Adriana, the one-trick pony, the party novelty, the girl dragged, protesting, over to Vishal Dadlani at a club in Delhi and being commanded to sing on cue. The person who doesn't need to improve even over three years or eight years because HOW DIFFERENT, SHE SINGS HINDI SONGS.

Those are not the standards I set for myself. I didn't want to be appreciated for being different, or for 'just trying.' I wanted to be good at it, to sing what was really in my heart. But it's a far-off goal, unreachable as long as I cling to my quotidian life, which I have never been able to let go of, nor do I think I should. I can think of many more ways to spend my waking hours than to beat my tiny wings on this particular pane of glass. I know there's another direction I can go in. Spend more time at the gym. Cook good dinners. Translate some Bengali songs. Pick up the phone and call my friends. 

You want to hear a white girl singing Indian songs who is actually good? Listen to Nicki Wells. And then close your eyes and just listen and forget she's not Indian. Because you can. 

Now, I'm not quitting singing forever. I still take Rabindrasangeet lessons - that place I fled to when the Bollywood illusion proved itself to be so. But I do that for me, on my own terms. I'm not spreading myself too thin, trying to be everything to everyone; I am concentrating on one thing and doing it for my own love of it, not for others' admiration of me. 

I am thankful to all of those who supported me along the way and am glad for all the good things in my life that have come from singing. I know those friendships and those good things don't need the excuse of my singing to exist, and those are things I hope to keep forever.